I am spending my child support on dildos
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
