i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
