Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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