a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
