8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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