Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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