Apparently you make a good broom.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
