apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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