So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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