She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
