Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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