please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
