Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Girls should come with a carfax report
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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