and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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