god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
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