As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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