Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
