bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
