We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
