Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
