Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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