chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
