Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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