Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
