I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
