Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
