if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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