Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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