I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
