If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
