My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
