So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He shit in the fireplace
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
