well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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