She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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