The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
