Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
