I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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