Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
