you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
