Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
