true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
