Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
