Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
