why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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