She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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