started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Pants are for mortals
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
