the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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