Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
