You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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