She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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