I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
